"Bob Carlson,I Am Sorry"

As adolescents,we all do something that we later regret or are ashamed of. It is part of the process of growing up, and hopefully, we learn a valuable lesson from the experience.

Such was the case in my Freshman year at High School, a time filled with excitement and wonder as I left my childhood behind and began to make my way towards independence along with hundreds of other boys, all of us fueled by that wonderful hormone called Testosterone, which coursed through us with reckless abandon as it changed our minds and bodies.


Beneath all that burgeoning machismo lay healthy doses of insecurity,as we all wondered (privately,of course) if anyone else felt that way. So we boys did the "manly" thing, searching out others whom we perceived to be weaker than ourselves,thereby establishing a pecking order of sorts and so giving one a sense of superiority. Of course the need to fit in was (and still is) a strong one,so we tended to hang with the guys we believed were at the upper end of that pecking order,or if that wasn't possible, to at least agree with their way of seeing things so you were not thought of as weak; especially if you were,like me,a skinny 125 pounder. This is where Bob Carlson comes in.

Bob was one of those kids everyone made fun of,through no fault of his own. Probably he was as smart and witty as any of us thought we were,and perhaps even more so. Standing no more than 5 feet tall and weighing perhaps 80 pounds he had no defense against the onslaught of taunts and mockery directed his way. I don't recall him having any friends, and he rarely spoke. Mostly he withdrew into his world and tried to shut out the words hurled his way,counting the minutes until he could get out of High School hell and back to a gentler world at home,at least until the next day when he had to endure it all again.

Gym class can be a trying time for some people, as the less athletic are made fun of and shunned from teams picked by a coach hell-bent on favoring the best players. In that regard I was lucky. Though rather small,I was able to hold my own and garnered a few friends due to my skills. Hey,it felt good to be accepted and I looked forward to gym every day. Not so for Bob....in a class where everyone was supposed to be on a team,he was not picked ever and spent class off to the side with a couple other outcast boys, shooting baskets,tossing a ball or whatever.


Shunned from team sports,Bob probably felt ok since the others were too busy trying to impress the coaches or each other,but individual sports were another story. He had to participate in such disciplines as boxing and wrestling against kids way bigger and heavier,which led to a moment I still remember as if it was yesterday.


As I wrote in the above paragraph,we had such sports as boxing and wrestling in gym, and one afternoon at class we found ourselves gathered in the wrestling room for 2 weeks of sweaty fun trying to flip and pin an opponent. Fun if you were a bigger guy but misery if you were small. The coach tried to match opponents by weight,of course,but there was nobody who even came close to Bob's 80 pounds. Even I outweighed him by 45 pounds,and Bob knew he had no chance against anyone. We knew it too, and when the time came for his match against the next smallest kid (probably 110 pounds) excitement grew among the guys as they wanted to see Bob get beat badly. Even his opponent was excited,as this was his chance to feel "tough". 


The chant "Cream him!" began slowly  but increased as more kids picked it up,including me. The coach made no effort to shut us up,he only called the two boys to the circle on the mat and told them to assume the starting positions. By then,Bob was visually shaking, and as his opponent took position above him,Bob collapsed in tears. The coach berated Bob,yelling at him to "Stop being a wimp,get up and wrestle like a man". But Bob just lay there sobbing even more.


I felt bad for him,but joined anyway in the laughter that was now permeating the room. I wanted to yell out to the group to stop,but I was cowardly and thought that if I did, I would become a target for others to poke fun of, or even worse,to have some of the tougher boys gang up on me at a later time. So I laughed with the others as the coach picked Bob up and told him to go sit elsewhere and come back only when he stopped acting like a baby.


I don't know where Bob Carlson is today, I like to think he is a successful person in whatever he has chosen to do. Perhaps he has forgotten that day in 1974, I certainly hope so. As for me,I have not forgotten, so Bob,wherever you are today, I apologize. And I hope you accept it. If you do,you will have proven yourself to be a better person than anyone else was that day long ago,including me.